Active listening can make the biggest difference in our communication skills. That we listen - and listen well, can make us incredibly effective communicators.

What do you feel like when someone really gives you their attention and listens to what you say? What is it like when they can show that they have truly heard you?

For many of us, this is a less than common experience…being listened to allows a greater connection, better understanding and ability to feel valued in our views, opinions and experiences.

As a potentially profound part of our communications, listening is the number one skill! So - how do we know if we are listening as effectively as we could?

1. Focused listening - if we are anticipating what we want to say while someone else is talking, and simply waiting for a pause to say it, this is a clear indicator that we are not listening properly to the other person. It is a habit many of us have, but one we can unlearn if we want to. When this happens to you, you can mentally place your own thoughts to the side…
2.  ’We have two ears and one mouth - use them in these proportions’ - listening for twice as long as we talk is a useful rule of thumb to use. Many of us are less aware of how long we speak for, in contrast to our awareness of how long someone else talks for!
3. Allow people to talk without interruption - let them keep their flow of conversation, unless, of course, they are speaking without any space for others.
4. Allow yourself to really focus on the speaker - how do they look when they are speaking? When are they animated? When are they subdued? Does this reflect what they are sharing with you?
5. Try to listen for what is not being said…what do you think the emotions are behind the words?
6. Be aware that we have our own assumptions associated with our language. When I talk about a dog - one person will imagine a Dalmatian, another, a Terrier…we can do this with so many words. It is worth checking and clarifying.
7. Demonstrate you are listening through non-verbal communication: nodding your head, noises of agreement / understanding, eye contact. When running training courses we do an exercise where people avoid non verbal communication with their partner - it really stops the conversation and makes people feel very uncomfortable…we can do the opposite and really allow communications to flow.
8. Summarise the main points to show you have listened and understood. This also allows the other person to correct anything you did not pick up. People will often feedback that this aspect allows them to feel understood - particularly when we use the words they have used, to demonstrate that we have listened.

1. Be calm and grounded - be aware of how physically relaxed you are. Having both feet on the ground - whether sitting or standing, allows us to be grounded. When sitting, keep your back against the chair. When standing, keep weight evenly distributed. Breathe deeply and allow yourself to relax into your breathing. If you do yoga or stretching, this will be familiar. Feel the effect a few steady breaths can have.

 2. Mirror body language - this is something we tend to do naturally when we are comfortable with people. This mirroring allows us to feel ‘in synch’ with each other. If the person you are communicating with is not relaxed, start by mirroring their body language and gradually move into a more ‘grounded’ position. Often people will unconsciously mirror the changes you make and become calmer - though this can take a bit of practice!

 3. Gestures - are they in line with your message? A misalignment can happen when we are trying to communicate something serious, or say no, yet we smile and nod…A sure way of losing the power of what we are trying to say. Equally telling someone we are happy about something whilst frowning, will leave them confused or feeling that what we say is not genuine. Congruence is vital.

 4. Respect space - ensure you allow enough space for the person you are talking to. We each have an invisible space around us, which when invaded can make us feel uncomfortable - being aware of how comfortable the other person appears can help us gauge the appropriate space for them.

 5. Eye contact - generally people will feel listened to if you offer eye contact, although it is better to also look away, so that the eye contact is not too intense. In some cultures direct eye contact is disrespectful. Check out with the other person if they appear uncomfortable with your eye contact. If you cannot be seen - if you are on the phone or if there is a sight impairment, stay mentally focused on the person you are communicating with.

 6.    Open and closed gestures - the more open your gestures are, the easier and more confident you will appear. Crossed arms or legs do not automatically come across as closed gestures if they are done in a relaxed manner (and if they mirror the other person). Arms firmly crossed across your chest will most likely be interpreted as hostile!  We can sometimes do this if we are insecure (or feeling angry) so check how you are coming across, as it can really block useful communication.

 7.    What does their body language tell you? I once ran a training event where a woman sat with her body turned away from everyone else. She appeared to be uninterested and separate from the rest of her team. I really did not feel listened to. By checking out with her what was going on, she became aware of how she came across. She was distracted by something that had happened on the way to the training. Once I drew her attention to how she appeared, she refocused and joined in with everyone. It’s great to check in with people and ensure any assumptions you make are based on fact. Giving open and non judgemental feedback on how people appear can help them engage with you.

 What else do you pick up from non verbal communication? It is really useful to observe people, and see how body language impacts on the way their communication is received and responded to. Is there anything you want to be more aware of in your own body language?

 The next post will cover listening skills - absolutely vital to effective, confident communication. Sign up to my news feeds to receive the next installment.

 I am sharing some techniques which can aid your communications. I’ll also be sharing thoughts on what can make you more confident in applying these techniques - what will make YOU a more confident communicator.

The basis for good communications lies in both listening and relaying a message.

We will focus on verbal communications in these articles - although many of these principles apply in written communications too.

1. Be specific - exactly what do you want to convey?

Get connected to the impact you want to have when you share your message. Do you want someone to do something for you? Try visualising what it would be like when it’s done…then ask!

2. Prioritise information - what is the most important message you want to convey?

We can lose the impact when we say too much! Edit out any information which can detract from the real priority in your communication.

3. Keep to the point - stay focused on the subject.

If the other person is straying off subject, (as many of us do) just remind them where you are up to and continue. Staying focused also demonstrates that you are serious about what you want to convey (even if it is a joke!).

4. Tone - Do you want to motivate, inform or deal with conflict?

Allow your voice tone to convey enthusiasm, calm or another response you want to encourage. Allow yourself to feel what it is you want to bring out in others. This really connects to the impact you want to have with your communication.

5. Pace -Let it reflect your message

Pace can be quicker if you are pleased or excited, slower if you want to convey calm or seriousness. Talking very quickly will lose most people! Think about people that you enjoy listening to - how do they use their voice tone and pace?

6. Respectful - what you feel will show in your voice and in your body language.

Allow yourself to connect to the respect you have for the person before you speak. If this is challenging - find at least one thing you respect them for.

7. Check understanding - ask if you have been clear enough.

Watch their body language - discomfort may mean confusion. Ask again if you are not sure.

When we talk

more than 80% of the ‘message’ is in how we say it

not what we say.

I look forward to your questions and observations!

The next posts will deal with body language in communication and listening skills. Make sure you have signed up to receive the next post!

Some of us are really effective and confident in the way we communicate with others.

Most of us will continally review how we communicate.  How many times have you been in a situation where, even with the best intentions, you can’t get your message across in the way you want?

Do you want to feel more confident about your communication skills?

Sign up for a series of new posts on developing confidence.

Beginning with confident communications - the series will look at:

1. effective verbal communication
2. body language
3. listening skills

I’ll share tips and techniques, as well as considering how to apply these to build your confidence.

Feel free to share this link with friends and colleagues that may benefit from a review of their communication confidence.

You can raise questions which I will deal with and help develop your skills further.

Sign up for my newsletter and share these valuable tips and confidence boosters.

 Future posts will cover -

• Confident presentations
• Confident management
• Confident relationships
• Confident leadership

I look forward to exchanging tips and ideas with you!

Moyra

Whatever time of year you decide to set some new goals, there will be key factors that will make the difference between you achieving your goals, or adding them back on your list the following year.

Set yourself goals which really excite you!

• Can you feel the pleasure you will have when you achieve your goal?
• Can you feel your heart race when you contemplate the difference that will be made by your achievement?
• Think Big! Let your thoughts take your breathe away!

Then:

1. Write it down - Goals that are recorded are much more likely to be achieved.
2. Share it - Telling friends and loved ones puts your aims ‘out there’ and helps to make you accountable to someone beyond yourself! If you use Facebook, Twitter or other social media - put your aim out there too!
3. Get support - that’s why step 2 is so important. Once we let others know what we want to achieve, we open up opportunities for others to support us. Ask clearly for the support you want.
4. Set a time limit - have an aim to achieve your goal within a specific time and put it in your diary. Also write in key stages along the way to review progress - this can be really useful if you leave things to the last minute.
5. Reward yourself - when you achieve your goal. So often we forget to recognise our achievements…this is the time to pat yourself on the back, thank your supporters and find something meaningful to you to celebrate what you have achieved.

“It is not because things are difficult that we do not dare, it is because we do not dare that things are difficult” Seneca

If you are not daring, if there is no excitment in your goals - don’t do it. Really. Save your energy until you find the thing that gets you excited. Or get a coach to challenge you to be your best!

Deep, thick, sludgy mud.

It clamps around our legs and feet and makes it feel almost impossible to move with ease. Physically we feel slugish, mentally we feel indecisive and demotivated.

Clearing that ’stuck in the mud’ feeling - by addressing what is keeping us stuck, dealing with our issues, fears, confused feelings and old demons, can allow us to make decisions and create a clear way forward. When we do that, we also release  bottled up energy that has been rattling around and keeping us in one confused place. That energy, with a clear direction and release, can fuel our efforts to make things better, try a new business idea, get to the gym, motivate others to come on board with us and strive to our best performance.

What is keeping you stuck?

What will you do with the energy that is released when you create a way forward?

The CTI  (Coaches Training Institute) course I found was for both new and experienced coaches, and like any effective development, allows us to improve our skills and understanding, whatever our start point. There is quite an investment, in terms of time and money, and this really needs to feel worthwhile for me (especially as I miss weekends with loved ones).

The CTI course has been a fantastic investment - I have met some great fellow coaches and have been able to get feedback on my skills and develop further the kind of coaching I want to offer. I completed the training at the end of July, and have already been able to enhance the coaching I offer, in line with my values of continual development and striving to being the best I can be.

In a time when budgets are restricted and we are all conscious of both price and value, what are the areas you would want to prioritise for development? Can you, or your business, manage without investing in ongoing development? We continue to need effective management and skilled workers, particularly when dealing with a recession hit industry/sector. We also need to keep our eye on the future and be ready with the appropriate skills for upturns when they start.

There are lots of ways to invest in development, including coaching, training and facilitation, where an external resource is really useful to maximise learning and value. There are also great models around of people sharing their learning with colleagues, mentoring, and skill sharing groups, which are really useful to consider when wanting to maximise current resources.

In addition, online resources can be really helpful - either for free information or at a low cost investment. One of my favourites is: mind tools  - a regular newsletter and in depth articles have stimulated a lot of thought for my work.

 What investments in development are you making now and what low cost / high value options have you found?

During Volunteer’s Week I received a certificate of thanks for the Trustee volunteering I do with Citizens Advice. Feeling that what I do can make a difference for others is the biggest reward I can ask for - but a thank you is very much appreciated - a reminder that what I and many other volunteers offer, is valued by the organisation we give time to. It also tells me that the organisation is doing what it can to demonstrate to us it’s authentic aim to include and value volunteers.

Not all experiences of volunteering are valued - I have my own stories to tell and get to hear from many others. The biggest issues seem to be that when we volunteer our time we may end up feeling underutilised, that the organisation is unorganised or our tasks are boring. Recent research highlighted in Third Sector unlines these issues    

I’ve also found that organisations do not always follow up on offers even when they say they want to involve you. I’m very supportive of the idea that not everyone that puts themselves forward is necessarily the best person for the role the organisation needs filled. However, if an organisation says it wants volunteers - then a timely follow through is essential. This is a relatively common complaint (against the standard that this should be a rare error) - a volunteer will feel better valued if they are told that they are not right for the role, that there is no vacancy or that another organisation may need them, rather than having no response to their offer to help…Time for organisations to ensure their authenticity in making an appeal for volunteers and following though!

If you are supporting volunteering as part of your Corporate Social Responsibility agenda, does the feedback you get from staff tell you that their time is fully maximised, and that they are as satisfied as you all hoped?

If you involve volunteers - have you checked the timeliness and effectiveness of follow ups to offers of help?

A great new recruitment campaign

Following some consultancy work I carried out with British Heart Foundation, they have initiated a new recruitment campaign with appeals from existing volunteers.  They offer a great example of valuing their existing volunteers by asking them to help appeal to others, and of giving clear indications on how volunteers can help. The video of volunteers talking about why they got involved and what they do is great!

Volunteering and Coaching

I’m about to embark on investigating potential ways of offering pro bono coaching with a group of like minded coaches - for me a great way to combine my coaching, management and volunteering experience. More to follow…

 Do let me know your thoughts on any of the issues above:

Coaching can deal with an incredibly wide range of subjects and will often incorporate both work and life issues.

Effective coaching will follow the agenda you set as the client, but will also challenge and support you to perform to your best, both in work and in other areas of your life, as you decide.

However, if you are new to coaching, there can be many unknown factors:

• How does coaching work?
• What can I expect to gain?
• What subjects or areas can I be coached on?
• Will I get on with the coach?
• Will the approach be right for me?

The best way to get an effective answer to these questions is to try a sample session.

I offer complimentary sample sessions to anyone considering engaging me as their coach - just contact me to set up a convenient time for a free 30 minute phone session.